Image via Universal Pictures / CC BY
Happy Friday, everyone! It’s time for another stab into the world of cinema, to find out what exactly will keep us alive on those dangerous Hollywood sets. For today’s journey, we’ll be taking a step back in time, to a simpler age of knights, castles, peasant farmers and…..zombie skeleton armies? Uh-oh, I think we made a wrong turn at Albuquerque. If you recognize the premise outlaid above, then you’re probably a fan of the 1992 cult classic, “Army of Darkness.” Technically the third installment of the “Evil Dead” series, “Army of Darkness” sees its chainsaw-handed hero, Ash, cast back in time to medieval England, where he must battle an undead army of “Deadites” trying to steal his only method of returning home. Shot on-site in the beautiful English province of Southern California, the film really wows audiences with its scenic views of the "English" desert.
In addition to the “Deadites,” the movie sees Ash fight miniature mirror versions of himself, a former lover turned witch, and cruise around a battlefield in a 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88 with all sorts of zombie-killing implements attached. While it seems difficult to improve upon his battle-tested EDC kit, I still think we can do one better, so take a look below for some ideas on how best to survive a medieval Deadite incursion, baby.
1. Mossberg 590M
Price: $721
“Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! See this? This... is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?”
Powerful, right? Ash is like a cross between General Patton and Billy Mays. Unfortunately, however, as much as I might love a good double barrel Remy (particularly one you can pick up for only $109.95), I’m going to have to split with our protagonist here, as we simply have better options more suited to the task nowadays. After all, despite how often it happens in the movie, I’ve never met a double barrel you can shoot four times without reloading (follow this link to see the internet prove me wrong yet again). For more realistic performance, I’m going to have to recommend the Mossberg 590M. Fed by magazines that can hold up to 20 shotshells, the 590M is the only way to go if you plan on shotgunning down skeletons in bulk. What’s more, the cheapest model can be had for a mere $721! While in 1992 prices that may have been a fortune, for present day it’s really not too bad.
2. Alka-Seltzer
Price: $4
In what I can only describe as the movie’s most painful scene, we see Ash pour a kettle of boiling hot water down his throat to kill some miniature versions of himself who have taken up residence in his stomach. Ouch. All I can say is, did Ash really not have any Alka Seltzer in his Oldsmobile? Seriously, “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz,” “Heartburn and indigestion…”, is none of this ringing a bell? Even if it wasn’t, now you know. For four dollars you can keep around an alternative to scorching your gullet. Money well spent in my book!
3. Local Motors Rally Fighter
Price: Price is dependent on how you build it
As someone who spends the majority of his weekends turning wrenches on a piece of 1966 Detroit iron, it’s pretty hard for me to turn my back on vintage tin. That being said, we can do better than a smogged out Delta 88. Quite literally built for the end of the world (or a Baja race, wherever you find yourself first), the Rally Fighter, by Local Motors, offers pretty much unbeatable performance for a doomsday scenario. Fast? Check. You’ve got 430 hp and 424 lb-ft of torque on tap from a 6.2 liter V8, in a vehicle that only weighs 3800 lbs. Off-road capable? Double check. This thing has double wishbones, a 4-link 9-inch Ford rear, 16 inches of suspension travel up front, and 20 in the back. The Rally Fighter isn’t just some rock-crawling jeep, it can jump better than a 1970 Charger!
Looks? Fuggedaboutit! This thing was designed to mimic the lines of a P-51 Mustang, arguably one of the most beautiful airplanes ever produced. Best part? The Local Motors team will literally bring you to the factory and let you help build your own car. This makes it technically a “kit car” by the letter of the law, and thus 50-state legal, making your doomsday ride feasible as a daily driver until it gets sucked back to Middle Ages England. As far as price is concerned, that depends on how you plan on outfitting your ride. Give Local Motors a call today, and find out what your ideal Rally Fighter will set you back.
4. Chainsaw Sharpener
Price: $7.35
Disclaimer: This is only if you have a chainsaw for an arm (though if you don’t, are you REALLY that serious about fighting the undead? May be time to take a good long look in the mirror and make that upgrade). But I digress. Not long into the movie, Ash stops using his trademark chainsaw arm in favor of a metal prosthetic hand. Why on earth would he do that? Did he run out of gas? Unlikely. After all, he should be able to whip some up in a jiffy with the help of that Chem 101 book in his car. Besides, his Oldsmobile was still running! There’s gotta be gas in there! Thus it’s far more likely that his chainsaw cut through so much zombie bone in the first few fights that his blades dulled, and the rudimentary sharpening equipment of the Middle Ages wasn’t intricate enough to refurbish the tiny individual blades. The TriLink File-N-Guide would have solved that problem effortlessly, keeping his primary fighting “hand” fully functional for each and every battle. At only $7.35, this is a real no-brainer.
5. An Actual Chainsaw
Price: $114.99
For your casual Deadite-fighter, for whom the chopping off of a hand is simply too big a commitment, Homelight makes a handheld version of its popular arm-mounted XL model. Homelight’s 18IN. 42CC Chainsaw can actually be wielded with one’s hand instead of in-place of it, so your weekend warrior can still use his hand for other things when not in battle, like typing, writing or gripping a wrench. Seems like a bit of a cop-out to me, but who am I to judge? I typed that sentence with both hands!
