Happy Friday! As I sat here this AM, eyelids drooping, doing my best to avoid face planting into my coffee, I was informed that I will be taking over the task of writing “Fun Friday EDCs,” from the indolent Mr. Brune. In my usual early-morning haze, I hastily agreed, before realizing that the task presents a unique problem for me as, unfortunately, I am not much of a theater-goer. Luckily however, NRA Family Managing Editor Wendy LaFever had a suggestion to start me off: the 1990 Sci-Fi classic, “Tremors."
To get better acquainted with the film’s monstrous antagonists, I did a little digging (pun definitely intended), and discovered they are burrowing, worm-like creatures known as “graboids” that look like the little guy depicted above. These adorable critters chased Reba McEntire, Kevin Bacon and a few others around the old mining town of Perfection, Nevada for a few days in the ‘90s, before eventually being killed off by pipe-bombs, a cement wall and a whole lot of luck. Suddenly more awake, I realized I probably wouldn’t get a moment’s sleep in peace until I figured out a better way to take one of these down, so I splashed a little coffee on my face (bad move, would not recommend) and went to work.
Fortunately for me, I grew up on a good bit of land raising chickens and goats, so I have a bit of experience dealing with pest-predators. One such poultry predator, the red fox, has a habit of living in burrows just like these mud-mastodons. Now it’s not a very widely used method anymore, but I’ve heard tell from some old timers of a way they used to deal with the fox problem. So for our first weapon in the war on overgrown tapeworms, I give you…
1. The 1984 Chevy K1500
Price: $1,000-$5,000; Alternative Price: 3 cases of Busch Classic and a promise to your cousin Bubba that you’ll let him hunt your river plot this fall.
How can 1980s Detroit iron kill anything other than mass amounts of gasoline, you might ask? Find the opening of one of these burrows, hook the exhaust up to the hole and turn on the engine. I don’t care how big these suckers are, they still need air to breathe. Best case scenario? They never make it out. Worst case? They manage to punch through to the top layer, and you’ve at least got them out in the open where they can’t sneak up on you anymore. Once they’re topside, how hard could it be? They’re really just big worms, after all. Plus, a truck is the ultimate EDC. It carries you!
2. P-51D
Price: $2,145,000
Okay, I may have gotten a little too big for my britches with one of those last remarks. Anyone who saw 10-year-old me scramble out of the barn at the sight of a 5-inch field spider would probably get a kick out of hearing me call these things "no big deal." As luck would have it though, the U.S. government has already solved my problem for me (first time I’ve ever been able to say that!), and they did it 74 years ago. For the low-low price of $2,145,000, the mighty P-51D “Mustang,” the plane credited with singlehandedly turning the tide of the air war in the European theater, can be yours. Perched atop your mighty warbird, you can simply strafe these things into non-existence, without ever having to get near one in person.
3. A honey badger
Price: A lot of skin, probably
I know what you’re thinking. A honey badger? Seriously? What happened to Evan Brune, now there was a guy with ideas! Hear me out though. A honey badger’s diet is 80 percent earthworms, and we all know those little guys are fearless! What is a graboid if not a large earthworm? Besides, even if a lone honey badger can’t take one down (though I’m still not convinced one can’t), it could certainly tie one up for long enough to act as your rear guard to safety. As an added bonus, the honey badger can be easily modified for hand-to hand combat by simply adding a handle. In this colorized 1775 photograph, Benjamin Franklin demonstrates proper mounting and wielding procedure:
Given that I work for (several) NRA publications, if I didn’t at least entertain the possibility that a firearm may help you take down one of these things, I think I’d quickly find myself looking for a new job. As such, I give you:
4. The Anzio 20mm
Price: $13,000
Yes, you’re seeing that correctly: This is a 20mm sniper rifle. You know, the caliber generally designated for mounting onto airplanes and tanks? Capable of hurling a 20mm Vulcan projectile 5,000 yards, if the Anzio 20mm can’t take one of these beasts down, then I think it may be time for us to welcome our new cthonic overlords.
